White Elephant in the Room

Before I go into the post, I just wanted to give a shout out to Peng's CI Project!

I first connected with Peng through HMO, and after exchanging several emails, we both realised that we had recognised the same issues in the deaf community. For Peng, he has just began working on a project called the CI Project in October 2019, a platform where he connects with other CI-recipients all around the world. Through interviews, he then consolidates their experiences and perspectives on his blog at https://ciproject.org/cochlear-implant-user-stories-blog/.

Feel free to check it out; it is really inspiring to read real-life stories about CI-users overcoming their limitations and obstacles regardless of ages or circumstances, and managing to achieve dreams whether it is starting a family, building a sports career or doing a PhD degree. If you wish to know more, you may contact him at teelepeng@gmail.com. I am honestly excited to see how his platform can impact lives in the deaf community, and hopefully prove to us that we can go far. Do give him your generous support as well!

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So what exactly is this "White Elephant in the Room"? I'm certainly no guru but it is relationships.

It used to be a difficult topic for many recipients due to a stemmed fear of rejections. Additionally, for those who have limited social circle, it would seem like no one they knew has actually managed to settle down (hence you should read Peng's blog; there ARE people who really did it). It can also be hard to imagine ourselves being loved by someone, especially for people who have had no prior experience in relationships. That is totally understandable, since we are all humans and tend to be biologically wired to desire to be loved.

We all have bouts of insecurity, even myself. Movies have ingrained the idea of "soulmates", but I hated it. I used to think frequently that there are sooooo many fishes out in the ocean; who would even choose me? And even if someone chooses me, why? The thought stayed with me for a long time; that I am the "broken" fish. Who would even have the patience to deal with me and my hearing loss in the long term?

To those who are still having this kind of thoughts, you are not alone. But I'd like you to know that once you have boarded on this particular negative train of thoughts, it becomes more difficult to alight from that train. So try your best not to do it! I'd also have a quote to share, which may be helpful for you:

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.

- Mahatma Gandhi

While I am a believer that fate plays a role, I also think that you can't be "doing nothing" and expect the partner to drop from the sky. There are always things you can do to enhance yourself or to mentally prepare yourself for the future relationships.

My number one tip is, really, to love yourself. You cannot ever expect someone else to love you when you don't love yourself. In fact, you will feel inferior to the other partner no matter what he/she says to reassure you. Of course, there will be moments of insecurity, and reassurances are fine (in fact, words of affirmation is a language of love!). However, your partner cannot be expected to do this forever and it is up to you to find the inner strength and beauty in yourself. Even on shitty days, look at yourself in the mirror and have a long thought about what is great about you.

A great smile? Check. A great mind? Check. Empathy? Check.

It will help if you can write it down as it occurs to you, and read it from time to time to remind yourself of your greatness. If you want to improve yourself, do it for yourself and not for your partner! After all, no one can replace you.

Next, be open-minded. You certainly will have your "ideal type", but keep an open mind. Be yourself and expand your social circle. Communicate with people! Join an exciting activity that you always like and meet similar like-minded people there. You can also use dating apps, and treat it as an opportunity to make friends. Don't be fearful and enjoy yourself when you're with him/her. Just a disclaimer, please be careful of catfishes and playboys/playgirls who may take advantage of you. Meet in a crowded place, and definitely DO NOT drink on your first date. It is very dangerous to do so when you do not know the person well (hell, you've only seen him/her for a couple of hours only!).

Finally, it would be helpful to remember that if something is meant to blossom into a relationship, it usually works out without much difficulty. Handling the relationship is the hard part, so do reflect on what are your core values, your boundaries, and deal breakers you may have. These are crucial factors to consider before you can even embark on a relationship. You don't simply come up with the answers in a short span of time (unless you are very sure), so it is good to take this time to slowly mull over them. They will be excellent filters to help you find the partner and you'll have an easier time in managing your relationship.

Just a gentle reminder: there are only those who know their shortcomings and those who do not. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has shortcomings, so just be yourself. Feel free to love someone, but also remember that love needs to be balanced. Remember to give him/her time and space to catch up if needed, in order to not overwhelm them.

If you have some baggage from the past i.e. hurts or mistakes made, it is always good to reflect on why it happened, how you can improve (or not make the same mistake in the next relationship), and finally let it go.

A final note is that even though this topic is on relationships, it is perfectly fine to be single. No commitments and responsibilities, and you get all the time you need to focus on what you want to do! So don't worry too much about getting into a relationship, and just enjoy your present life now.

I may consider diving more into this topic in the future, so stay tuned for part 2 then~

Cheers to your happiness now and in the future too!

xoxo,

Claire